In Florida, the golf course gators give an altogether new meaning to the term “water trap.”
Considering moving to Florida? Then take a moment to congratulate yourself on your derring-do, you wild thing, you!
Economy. It’s the home of free (I mean really free) enterprise. Selling sinkholes and swampland to Yankees has mostly given way to late-night erectile dysfunction infomercials (yes, a big industry in Florida), casinos, tort law, strip clubs, megachurches, massage parlors, guns shows, Spring Break beach parties, charter schools, sex trade modeling agencies, and pyramid-scheme multi-level marketing companies, but it’s still the capital of the con, as all these illustrate. So, of course, it’s home to King Con himself, Donald Trump. (Mar-a-lago recently won a prestigious award for second tackiest dwelling in the universe, after Trump’s apartment in Trump Tower.) Of course, the man who brought you Trump University would locate here. It’s wilder than the Wild West. How do all those grifters end up here? Basically, ne’er-do-wells throughout the country flee the law until they can’t flee any further because there’s an ocean in the way. Florida is famous, ofc, for its amusement parks, but in truth the whole state is something of an amusement park, if your taste in amusements runs to the kitsch and crazy (don’t miss the Weeki Wachee Mermaids).
O Florida! Of thee I sing!
Me: Then you’ll be right at home on the roads here.
Politics in Flor-uh-duh. Every state election in Flor-uh-duh, now, is as close as Trump is to his supply of Adderall. The state would have long ago have turned as blue as a Boobie’s feet if it weren’t for the fact that Repugnicans here have developed election rigging into a high art. Losing Democrats’ mail in ballots (absenting the absentees), sending them out late to registered Democrats, closing polling places in minority communities, using federal felon registers to turn people away at polling places (Hmmm. Your name is John Smith? You’re on the felon registry. Sorry. But if you think there has been a mistake, you can drive 2 hours to this office to fix the problem), good-old-fashioned gerrymandering, you name it. If Flor-uh-duh put this much effort into good government, people who die and go to Paradise wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
Education in Florida, or Making Educashun Grate Agin. The Florida State Legislature and Gun Club has passed voucher bills that allow parents to use tax dollars to send their children to any school, whatsoever, which has created enormous opportunities for edupreneurs like this one:
Come on down to our “Race to the Top of Mount Zion Enrollment Jubilee” in the old K-Mart parking lot this Saturday and sign yore kids up for Bob Shepherd’s Real Good Florida School, conveniently located on Dale Mabry, where the K-Mart used to be, between Wild Wuornos’s Adult Novelites and Bob’s Gun and Pawn. You can use yore Florida State Scholarships to pay for it, and so it’s absolutely FREE!!!! No longer due you havta send yore children to them gubbermint schools run by Socialists whar they will be taut to be transgendered! We offer exciteing curriculems, including
World HIS-tory (from Creation to the United States of Democrat Babylon to the Rapshure)
Political Science (We thank you, Lord, for Donald Trump; the Second Amendmint; and protecting our Borders from invading hordes of rapists and murderers)
Anglish (the official language of the United States, and the language the Bible was wrote in)
Science (the six days of creation; how to make yore own buckshot; and how Cain and Abel survived among the dinosaurs)
Economics (when rich people get tax brakes, that makes you richer)
Art (loading your own shotgun shells and making a Nativity Scene from Popsicle sticks)
And much, much more!!! Plus, you don’t havta worry yore hed about safety, cause all are teachers is locked and loaded!
Copyright 2019, Robert D. Shepherd. All rights reserved. Note, however, that I stole the line about the Florida State Legislature and Gun Club from SomeDAM Poet or GregB or one of the other brilliant commentators on the Diane Ravitch Blog. If you find out the source of that gem, let me know, and I’ll send him or her a picture of myself wrestling a Florida mosquito into submission.
For more on Trumpty Dumpty, aka Don the Con, go here: https://bobshepherdonline.wordpress.com/category/trump-don-the-con/
For more more humor (including cartoons) by Bob Shepherd, go here: https://bobshepherdonline.wordpress.com/category/humor/