Why You Should Move to Florida (Flor-uh-duh)

1280px-Alligator_at_ChampionGatesIn Florida, the golf course gators give an altogether new meaning to the term “water trap.”

Considering moving to Florida? Then take a moment to congratulate yourself on your derring-do, you wild thing, you!

Economy. It’s the home of free (I mean really free) enterprise. Selling sinkholes and swampland to Yankees has mostly given way to late-night erectile dysfunction infomercials (yes, a big industry in Florida), casinos, tort law, strip clubs, megachurches, massage parlors, guns shows, Spring Break beach parties, charter schools, sex trade modeling agencies, and pyramid-scheme multi-level marketing companies, but it’s still the capital of the con, as all these illustrate. So, of course, it’s home to King Con himself, Donald Trump. (Mar-a-lago recently won a prestigious award for second tackiest dwelling in the universe, after Trump’s apartment in Trump Tower.) Of course, the man who brought you Trump University would locate here. It’s wilder than the Wild West. How do all those grifters end up here? Basically, ne’er-do-wells throughout the country flee the law until they can’t flee any further because there’s an ocean in the way. Florida is famous, ofc, for its amusement parks, but in truth the whole state is something of an amusement park, if your taste in amusements runs to the kitsch and crazy (don’t miss the Weeki Wachee Mermaids).

O Florida! Of thee I sing!

Geography. The state has two zones–North Florida (which is basically Southern Southern Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi without the high levels of education for which those states are known) and South Florida, aka, The Swamplands. To get to Florida, go East until you smell it and South until you step in it. The highest elevation in the state is Mount Trashmore, aka the Miami Dump (true), from the top of which you can see all the way to Tallahassee. It’s important for you to relocate to Florida soon, as with global warming and the flatness and low elevation of the state, in a few decades, it will mostly not exist anymore. Some Florida entrepreneurs are already looking forward to running dive trips to visit the former Mar-a-lago.
Flora and Fauna. In Florida, we have extremely venomous and ill-tempered cotton mouth water moccasins and mosquitoes the size of Labradors, and every puddle has a gator in it (many swimming pools, too). We also have swamp rats, wild pigs with tusks like Tyrannosaur teeth, the world’s largest concentration of continuously aerially copulating insects, palmetto bugs (imagine a cockroach the size of a Volkswagen), good ole boys, hundreds of thousands of feral teenagers, and, in the Clearwater Refuge, the world’s largest herd of Scientologists. Ecological note: The grifters, species Trumpus oranagii, are definitely at the top of the food chain and prey on the elderly (see below), which might seem cruel but is the way of nature. The swarms of love bugs, when disturbed, have been known to lift lounge chairs, with people in them, to heights of 100 feet.
Housing. There are 19 nudist resorts in Pasco County, Florida, alone (true), or, if you are a modest sort, you can go live in Key West, where the old folks mostly cover their public nudity, during festivals, with body paint. “Dare to bare” would be the state motto if not for the fundamentalist churches, which brings us to. . . .
Religion. In Florida, every other building is, by law, a Christian church. These are generally the size of small European countries and located across a swamp from a strip club. Or, for the more adventurous, there is an ayahuasca church in Orlando. So, a little something for everyone. In November of 2001, the mayor of Inglis, Flor-uh-duh, signed a proclamation banning Satan from the town. So, Satan had to move and set up shop in Tallahassee.
Retirement in Florida. And speaking of old folks. . . . naturally, a place with this many charms holds attractions to the elderly, who come here to be scammed by the aforementioned grifters and to wade into the surf in their Bermuda shorts and lift their cocktail glasses to their own setting suns.
Conversation (I am not making this up) at the Tampa, Florida, Department of Motor Vehicles:
Elderly woman: It’s a wonder they gave it to me [her license]. I’m blind as a bat.

Me: Then you’ll be right at home on the roads here.

Politics in Flor-uh-duh. Every state election in Flor-uh-duh, now, is as close as Trump is to his supply of Adderall. The state would have long ago have turned as blue as a Boobie’s feet if it weren’t for the fact that Repugnicans here have developed election rigging into a high art. Losing Democrats’ mail in ballots (absenting the absentees), sending them out late to registered Democrats, closing polling places in minority communities, using federal felon registers to turn people away at polling places (Hmmm. Your name is John Smith? You’re on the felon registry. Sorry. But if you think there has been a mistake, you can drive 2 hours to this office to fix the problem), good-old-fashioned gerrymandering, you name it. If Flor-uh-duh put this much effort into good government, people who die and go to Paradise wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

Education in Florida, or Making Educashun Grate Agin. The Florida State Legislature and Gun Club has passed voucher bills that allow parents to use tax dollars to send their children to any school, whatsoever, which has created enormous opportunities for edupreneurs like this one:

Come on down to our “Race to the Top of Mount Zion Enrollment Jubilee” in the old K-Mart parking lot this Saturday and sign yore kids up for Bob Shepherd’s Real Good Florida School, conveniently located on Dale Mabry, where the K-Mart used to be, between Wild Wuornos’s Adult Novelites and Bob’s Gun and Pawn. You can use yore Florida State Scholarships to pay for it, and so it’s absolutely FREE!!!! No longer due you havta send yore children to them gubbermint schools run by Socialists whar they will be taut to be transgendered! We offer exciteing curriculems, including

World HIS-tory (from Creation to the United States of Democrat Babylon to the Rapshure)
Political Science (We thank you, Lord, for Donald Trump; the Second Amendmint; and protecting our Borders from invading hordes of rapists and murderers)
Anglish (the official language of the United States, and the language the Bible was wrote  in)
Science (the six days of creation; how to make yore own buckshot; and how Cain and Abel survived among the dinosaurs)
Economics (when rich people get tax brakes, that makes you richer)
Art (loading your own shotgun shells and making a Nativity Scene from Popsicle sticks)

And much, much more!!! Plus, you don’t havta worry yore hed about safety, cause all are teachers is locked and loaded!

 

Copyright 2019, Robert D. Shepherd. All rights reserved. Note, however, that I stole the line about the Florida State Legislature and Gun Club from SomeDAM Poet or GregB or one of the other brilliant commentators on the Diane Ravitch Blog. If you find out the source of that gem, let me know, and I’ll send him or her a picture of myself wrestling a Florida mosquito into submission.

Art: An alligator on the Champion Gates National golf course, Davenport, Florida. By Bernard Gagnon – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=18966854

For more on Trumpty Dumpty, aka Don the Con, go here: https://bobshepherdonline.wordpress.com/category/trump-don-the-con/

For more more humor (including cartoons) by Bob Shepherd, go here: https://bobshepherdonline.wordpress.com/category/humor/

About Bob Shepherd

interests: curriculum design, educational technology, learning, linguistics, hermeneutics, rhetoric, philosophy (Continental philosophy, Existentialism, metaphysics, philosophy of language, philosophy of mind, epistemology, ethics), classical and jazz guitar, poetry, the short story, archaeology and cultural anthropology, history of religion, prehistory, veganism, sustainability, Anglo-Saxon literature and language, systems for emergent quality control, heuristics for innovation
This entry was posted in Humor, Trump (Don the Con), Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Why You Should Move to Florida (Flor-uh-duh)

  1. Pingback: Bob Shepherd: Why You Should Move to Florida | Diane Ravitch's blog

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