VP MIKEY DENSE: Thank you, Mr. President. Your nation thanks you, and I thank you.
I just wanted to say that I am humbled and grateful that you have chosen me to lead the Donald Trump Coronavirus Cheerleading Squad and Glee Club during this great crisis that our nation may or may not be facing depending on how you feel on a given day. And I know, I know, Mr. President, that the nation is reassured that your firm (and very large) hand is guiding us through this.
As we’ve seen today, you have assembled the greatest minds in the country to deal with this problem that the Fake News keeps talking about, though these are only scientists, and your intuition is so much better than science, as you have wisely reminded us many times, Mr. President. And not to take away from anything others have said here today, I just wanted to say, Mr. President, that some have, though I’m sure they didn’t intend to, wasted valuable time talking about this disease that may or may not be an issue and hinting at some response that we might or might not take in the future if that’s appropriate when WHAT THE NATION REALLY WANTS TO HEAR IS HOW GREAT DONALD TRUMP IS AND WHAT A FANTASTIC JOB YOU’VE BEEN DOING.
So, let me just say that. As I was telling Mother last night just before our night-night prayers, it really has been the privilege of a lifetime to work under you, Mr. President, and to see your sharp mind in action, pointing out that by this week the number of cases would be down to five and that this was all just a Democrat hoax. Your steady and very large hand enabled us to put off having to do anything until this spread or may not have spread throughout the entire nation, which could be a challenge, of course, but isn’t that the point, Mr. President, that America has always been up to its challenges? With faith in God, and your guidance, Mr. President, how can we fail? And though we might have a little rough patch, all these business leaders behind me here, brought together by your wisdom, Mr. President, are going to do their very best to rise to the occasion, under your leadership, and to make as much money as they possibly can off this while delivering whatever is necessary to serve the interests of the richest Americans. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, Mr. President, and you are the toughest and the strongest and the prettiest and the smartest and the bestest, as I’m sure all real Patriots across this nation will agree.
And so, soon, because of your remarkable leadership, unparalleled in the history of this country, nay of the world, nay of the galaxy, nay of the universe, we will have the four or five tests we need to have for every one million Americans who have contracted what is, after all, just a cold or a flu or whatever you say it is today, Mr. President, and we don’t need to worry about having enough paraprofessional medical personnel or hospital beds or ventilators or hazmat suits or face masks or tests or about setting up field hospitals or about sick leave or paying for tests and treatment for a bunch of lowlife poor people who wouldn’t recognize real leadership, like you provide each and every day, Mr. President, if they saw it.
So, that said, let me conclude by addressing what I’m sure is most on the mind of Americans throughout this land, on this fateful day, just HOW GREAT YOU ARE for getting way ahead of this thing early on by sending troops and other personnel without hazmat suits to escort people off that cruise ship, ones who could then go back to their bases and communities around the country and spread the virus, uh, the news about how expertly you contained this and nipped it in the bud as only you, in your genius, Mr. President, could have done. So, if I could lick your shoes clean, later on, Mr. President, that would be, as always, my great honor. Thank you, Mr. President. Did I do OK? Please tell that I did, Mr. President. Please. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President.
Copyright the Year of Our Lord 2020. Robert D. Shepherd. All rights reserved. This satire may be freely shared as long as it is unchanged and this copyright notice is retained. Thanks.
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