INT. DAY. MORONAVIRUS TRUMPINSKI ORANGII DAILY BRIEFING, April 18
TRUMP (snorts Adderall and steps to the microphone)
First let me thank the members of the media who are here today. You’re fake news. Disgraceful.
And speaking of fake news, you’re not going to like this. You don’t like anything. Just once. Just once, OK?—I would like to hear you say, “Mr. President, how can I help you blame this on China, Obama, whatever?” But no. You’re no help. And the governors. Just as bad. No gratitude. I heard they were so rude, they were so fresh, they were nasty, no matter what I did. The battle is over. They thought they had us with this plague. But all we had to do is fix it. Incredible what we’ve been able to do. Just incredible. But they just say, horrible. That’s what they say. Trump is horrible. So horrible. They make it up. They got sources. The sources don’t exist.
Just today, I spoke with governor De Sanctis of Florida. Good man. You have no idea how much election fixing it takes to get a governor like this. We need a lot more of them. He’s opened the beaches back up. And named professional wrestling an essential business. Because he gets it. He really does. Like me. I get it. Gotta stop this pandemic. The governor—unlike some other governors I might mention. But I won’t, because I play fair. Governors like Cuomo and Whitmer and that guy in California. But Governor De Thanatos of Florida. Good man. He’s very grateful. Anybody needs a test, they can get a test. Beautiful tests. So far, since this started, we have sent 12 tests for Chinavirus to the state of Florida. Enough tests for 12 people. Thank you, Mr. President, he said. Your action–incredible action–is going to save lives. Great governor, knows what he’s doing. He not a crier, like some of these. Not a crier. Weh weh weh.
Speaking of which. We are at war with an invisible enemy. That’s why we are doing what Presidents have always done when there’s a war. Passing the buck. This thing—nobody could have predicted it. But I did. People call me. They say, “How did you know?” I stopped it before it even got started by ending travel from China. But does the fake news media report that? No. So, people are dying. Hospitals are overwhelmed. That’s why we need to open everything back up. Important to follow the Trump guidelines for Social Distancing. Stand six feet apart. So I’d like to call Dr. Birx to stand up here right next to me. And Mike Pence. Thank you, Mike, for your response. Mike gets it. This is all about Trump and how great he is. Let me just say to all those patriotic Americans out there blocking with their AK47s, blocking the entrances to hospitals, thank you for your service. Liberate Michigan! Good people. Very good people.
So, China lied about the pandemic. Hid it from the world. And this rock group, the Who, helped them. That’s why we’re cutting all funding to the Who starting today. Because they do work in these third world countries. Foreigners. We care about America. Am I right?
As we enter the next phase of the battle. This is a battle, and I’m like, Commander in Chief. So, I run it. As we enter the phase, we are doing the job. Great job. Continuing our relentless effort to destroy the environment. My administration is doing incredible things. Incredible. Not credible. What we’ve done is not credible. But I started with a broken system. We inherited a broken system. So broken. I spoke with world leaders this morning. They’re all saying. It’s fantastic, Mr. President, what you’ve done. 360 million people. You’ve tested 25 of them. Obama ever have testing like that? We’ve done a job nobody would believe the job we’ve done. But the fake news, they view it as an election. Oh, Trump, he didn’t this. He didn’t that. I told them, this is how you use this machine. We have machines, they don’t even know how to use them. Just like the Russia witch hunt. I’m honored by the fact that how I’ve responded. Great job. We’ve done a great job. Fantastic. We get rid of this plague, what we’re doing, with the PPE, the paycheck. Signed “Donald J. Trump.” I really get it. Go ahead, read your questions. Like I can’t predict what you’re going to say. Because I’m a thinker. I had this uncle, smartest guy at MIT. Why didn’t you this? Why didn’t you that? Anything to bring down Trump. Though when this is over–I don’t know–I don’t know–Noble Prize, Mt. Rushmore. You’ll be thanking me. Thank you Mr. President.
For more on the breathtakingly vile and clownish Jabba the Trump/IQ45 Maladministration, go here: https://bobshepherdonline.wordpress.com/category/trump-don-the-con/