Your Guide to Surviving Lockdown

Lockdown at home is hard for anyone. That’s why I’ve prepared these tips to make it gas.
  1. Paint a face on a basketball and have dinner with it.
  2. Join a deranged online community like QAnon. It’s full of people who have been living alone in the basement for years.
  3. Teach yourself a new skill like computer hacking.
  4. Just remember that though you can’t get out and mingle anymore, there are still plenty of people out there who never particularly cared to have you around anyway.
  5. During this pandemic, many people are discovering the joys of baking. If you can find flour (good luck!) try making cookies in the shapes of the Beatles or, if you are really ambitious, Jesus Christ and the Twelve Apostles.
  6. OK. Yes. Sex is an issue. Now that you are stuck inside, you can only have it with the partner stuck inside with you. Cosplay is a great answer to this. For example, one of you can dress up as Stormy Daniels and the other as Donald Trump. Then, you can try to find Donald Trump’s weenie. If you don’t have a partner, what kind of loser are you?
  7. When families are confined indoors together, disagreements sometimes arise over responsibilities for online chores, so establish a schedule for these. For example, if you have two children, Karen and Tad, you can have Karen take on all parental responsibilities on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and Tad take on all these responsibilities on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. That way, you can stay in bed until this is all over.
  8. If working remotely gets to be a drag on your psychic space, free up some time by simply cutting and pasting old email responses instead of writing new ones from scratch. Example:

    • Query: Will you have the report ready for the Zoom meeting Monday at 9:00 AM?
    • Answer: That would be product skew ZX-193A.
Hope this helps! You’re welcome!

About Bob Shepherd

interests: curriculum design, educational technology, learning, linguistics, hermeneutics, rhetoric, philosophy (Continental philosophy, Existentialism, metaphysics, philosophy of language, philosophy of mind, epistemology, ethics), classical and jazz guitar, poetry, the short story, archaeology and cultural anthropology, history of religion, prehistory, veganism, sustainability, Anglo-Saxon literature and language, systems for emergent quality control, heuristics for innovation
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