Good evening, and welcome to the 2020 Repugnican Convention. But first, a word from our sponsors, Vladimir Putin and Goya Beans.
We are brought together this evening to show that it can happen here in America. This is not about politics. This is about a man. Donald “J. for Jabba” the Trump, Dear Leader Who Shines More Orange than the Sun. Because as all real Americans agree, what matters, what really matters, the only thing that matters, is Trump.
An inspiration to us all, Donald Trump has shown, by the life he has led, that in America, one can rise above adversity. If you just pay someone to take your SAT and go to work for Daddy keeping black people out of your slum landlord apartments, if you just inherit three quarters of a billion dollars from Daddy and blow it all on parties at Jeffrey’s and on casinos designed to rip off ordinary people, and if you go bankrupt through sheer incompetence, you can dig deep and launder money for Russian kleptocrats and start a fake university and pretend to be a businessman on TV, you can appeal to the worst instincts of the most racist Americans, and emerge a winner. You can put your semi-conscious spawn in high office, you can surround yourself with people dedicated to destroying the agencies and departments they lead, you can alienate and abandon every ally, you can pander and genuflect to dictators, you can betray our troops and those who fought alongside them, you can wreck the environment, you can take lunches away from poor school children, you can pretend to be a Christian, you can praise Nazis, you can pay off porn stars, you can take from the poor and give to the rich, you can do nothing about a pandemic that kills 180,000 Americans except suggest fake cures like injecting disinfectants—you do all this and so much, much more, and not lose a single vote.
We’ve got quite a lineup for you over the next few days. Bill Barr will play taps on the bagpipes over the remaining shreds of the U.S. Constitution. Don Jr. and Eric will take us inside the tackiest club in the universe, Mar-a-lago, to show us their collection of tails they’ve cut off endangered animals they’ve serially slaughtered. We’ll have an inspiring torchlight parade of Aryan Skinheads for Trump. We’ll honor the Confederate leaders who massacred African-American soldiers while fighting for the right of people to own others. We’ll make fun of disabled people and talk about ourselves and how great we are to grieving widows of fallen soldiers. We’ll hear President Trump speak in his inimitable Toddler English about the importance of family and his many wives and those he’s groped and what great legs and other body parts his daughter has. We’ll have a roundtable on law and order featuring the convicted and indicted felons from the Trump administration. We’ll gas some Moms in yellow shirts who still think that they have the freedom to assemble and to exercise free speech in America. But first, a word from the My Pillow Guy about the magic cure for Covid, oleander, and important information from the Demon Seed Doc about protecting yourself from succubi.
MAGA! Moscow’s Agent Governing America, Vlad’s Agent Orange. Make America Grate Again!
Trump/Dense 2020. 20 for sexual assault. 20 for bank and insurance fraud.
For more pieces about the Trump maladministration, go here: https://bobshepherdonline.wordpress.com/category/trump-don-the-con/
For more humor by Bob Shepherd, go here: https://bobshepherdonline.wordpress.com/category/humor/