from Field Notes: Jabba idiota orangii

It is sometimes claimed that, as with Yeti or Bigfoot, there is but one Donald Jabba the Trump. Such cannot be the case, however, for how would such species persist across time? While Jabba idiota orangii is a monotypic taxon, the Jabba Donald, infamous worldwide for its peculiar behaviors, is no endling, or terminarch, to use the technical terms for the last representative of a species.

In fact, Jabba Donald has spawned numerous times. The offspring, while bearing some resemblance to their sire (e.g., they lack moral compasses and higher-level cognitive functioning), nonetheless also present a scientific puzzle, for they are missing numerous morphological features distinctive to and definitive of this species, such as the troll-doll blonde hair; the thick profile; the tiny, grasping, groping paws; and the complete cell phone symbiosis.

Jabbas, or at least the one extensively studied by naturalists like me, have yet another means of propagation available to them, for they can parasitically commandeer other minds in the manner of the fungus Ophiocordyceps camponoti-floridani (not to be confused with Flor-uh-duh Man) that parasitizes and renders zombielike certain ants. See the well-documented and tragic cases known in the scientific literature as Lady G. and Ghouliani. In at least one case, the parasitization seems to have turned the nocturnal infected host, one Tucker (sometimes spelled with an f) Carlson, the Jabba’s distinctive orange color, with white circles around its eyes. Creatures that engage in Jabba-mimicry for the perceived benefits to themselves–the Hawleys, Cruzes, DeSatans, Gaetzes, Tubervilles, and so on–are as numerous as larvae on woodland carrion.

It is widely believed that this dangerous, predatory, generally sluglike but suddenly aggressive lower lifeform can be controlled by limiting its communications (it tweets, like a bird), but actual mitigation can only be accomplished by trained professionals, such as state Attorneys General, who can try, convict, and imprison the Jabba for one or more of its quite serious crimes. Until this is done, it will carry about doing what it always does–doubling down.

–The Armchair Naturalist’s Guide to Toxic, Venomous, and Otherwise Dangerous American Species, by R. Shepenborough