Trumpty Press Conference, May 2020


IQ45 (wearing flak jacket and camo MAGA hat): Is this mike on? OK. Some of my people—Propaganda Minister Stephen Miller, here, good man—wanted me to read a speech from the teleprompter. And I respect that. I respect that. But I don’t read, and that’s what politicians do. I know. I know. Believe me. They read their Fake News, make stuff up. Democrats. Can’t trust them. You know who you can trust? You do, don’t you? Donald Trump. Never told a lie. So no. No teleprompter. I’m just going to tell you what I think, OK? Always have. Always have.

You know, I heard–they told me–this message is going out to the biggest crowd for a political speech ever. Biggest crowd. Well, those left alive. Obama ever get a crowd like that? Biggest ever.

Fortunately, when this whole thing started, we got behind it early. Great team. The best. I stopped it completely when I ordered that cruise ship to stay away. Done. Finished. People said to me, “Thank you, Mr. President. Great job.” Maybe the best job of any president ever. Nothing like it. Winner.

But then Hunter Biden came back from Ukraine with this Corona Flu and it started all over again. What’r’ya gonna do? What’r’ya gonnna do? I know. These people are crazy. They’ll do anything. Anything.

But I knew. I knew early on—because I had this uncle at MIT—brilliant guy—genius—this was going to get bad. How bad? Bad I said. That’s why I sent checks out to everybody. Signed “Donald Trump.” Biggest checks ever. But the Democrats and the Fake News blocked me all the way. Disgraceful. They’re a disgrace.

What’s why, effective immediately, I’m declaring martial law. And heading up this effort, as our new Secretary of Defense, will be my daughter, Ivanka. Isn’t she just something? Come over here, Ivanka? I tell you what, if I wasn’t her father. . . . woah. You’re gonna do a great job Ivanka. Thank you.

And, of course, we don’t want people handling ballots or using touch screens. Especially all those fake voters coming in from Mexico. So that’s why we’re suspending the elections until 2028. Just as a safety precaution during this health crisis. Because the safety of the American people is my number one priority. We love America. And America? America loves Donald Trump.

Coronaflu, we got you!

And yes, the incidents with the attacks on Chinese Americans and Democrats were bad, and I’ve issued a very stern warning to Aryans for a Lifetime Presidency about that. Some of them good people. Good people on both sides. The last thing we want is panic. And don’t worry, Ivanka is making sure that there will be plenty of ammo.

But if you want to get out of the country for a while, we’ve got this great club in Ireland—Trump International Golf Links and Hotel. And Ivanka, Ivanka? They will be getting military escorts to the hotel, am I right?

IVANKA: Yes, Daddy.

IQ45: So there. Another problem solved. They tell me, I’ve got a knack for this kind of thing. They call me up and say, “You know, I never saw anybody just knows what the right thing to do is. We’ve got scientists don’t know that.” See what I mean?

God Bless you. And Make America Grate Again.

For more on the breathtakingly vile and clownish Jabba the Trump/IQ45 Maladministration, go here:


About Bob Shepherd

interests: curriculum design, educational technology, learning, linguistics, hermeneutics, rhetoric, philosophy (Continental philosophy, Existentialism, metaphysics, philosophy of language, philosophy of mind, epistemology, ethics), classical and jazz guitar, poetry, the short story, archaeology and cultural anthropology, history of religion, prehistory, veganism, sustainability, Anglo-Saxon literature and language, systems for emergent quality control, heuristics for innovation
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