Ed tech companies are, of course, trying to take advantage of the pandemic to sell politicians and administrators on replacing teachers with educational technology. So, thought I would try my hand at writing some ad copy for these companies:
Help your students go the distance with distance technology!!!!! With our Remote Learning Software, there’s a remote chance that they will be learning!
These are difficult times for educators, and that’s why we at Bob’s Ultimate Lesson Learning Software [with] Hyper Individualized Technology (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) are stepping up and offering our product to schools ABSOLUTELY FREE.* Our proprietary Deep Do Diagnostic Engine uses HIGHLY COMPLEX, CUTTING EDGE QUANTUM-MECHANICAL ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ALGORITHMS to PERSONALIZE INSTRUCTION and tell you exactly where your students stand compared to kids in other schools and countries, what lessons are right for them given their level of mastery, what they should eat for breakfast, their level of socio-emotional development, how many children and parking tickets they will have as adults, how many jobs they will have over their lifetimes, what they will earn in the year 2046, whether their energy fields and chakras are properly aligned, what psychological disorders they will develop in the future, what tax preparer they will prefer at age 50, the meaning of life, what existed before the Big Bang, who the next big TicTok star will be, when the oil in the students’ parents’ cars needs changing. You name it. Math skills? Reading skills? Innate intelligence? Gritfulness? Propensity for psychopathy and a career with an equity or consulting firm? THERE IS NOTHING THAT OUR DIAGNOSTIC ISN’T ABLE TO DETERMINE with complete RIGOR, providing you with actionable—wait for it!!!!–yes!!!–DATA. Data. Oh, data. Oh. Yes, yes, yes. Which is, of course, what school is all about!!! How are we able to do this is a bit complicated to explain (it’s very mathematical and you wouldn’t be able to understand) but suffice it to say that with our Educator Proof ™ software, teachers are ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY!
And, check out our add-in packages that cook dinner, walk the dog, solve international crises, and navigate long, dark nights of the soul! Too good to be true? Well, step into the HYPE VORTEX and see for yourself!
B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. Now with personalizable student avatars! So much fun, your students will prefer this to having their flesh removed from their bodies with curry combs! Speaking of which, we’re the Common Core-iest! No one cores students as we do!!!